I am not homophobic. I am not homophobic. I am not homophobic. I repeat...I am not homophobic. Over the last couple of weeks I have showered with men. Multiple men to be exact. This may come off as the introduction of an erotic novel in which I explain why I'm not gay but then I proceed to tell the tale of how I became involved with men. I assure you I absolutely love vagina AND this is not an erotic novel. It is a blog about my uneasiness about being naked around other men with the exception being the doctor, dad or death. That last sentence had a twinge of incest.
When I first came to The Land of the Morning Calm (Korea), I thought for sure everyone man under the age of 25 was gay. Yes, I am aware that it's a shitty conclusion to come to and no I'm not apologizing for it. In the subway and prancing down every street was a man and his man bag. Hell for a brief moment I had a man bag until somebody gave me shit for it and nick named me RJ Murse(man bag/purse). In which case I quickly sold it to a metrosexual for free. Can you imagine a generation of twenty something year old men dressed like Ellen Degeneres complete with a murse? Fast forward almost five years later and I realized that Korean men have only one thing in mind. That thing is the common denomiator for all men the world over. It's the reason why we put on clothes and refrain from holding our balls in public. It's the power of the p-u-s-s-y.
This is certainly a blog post attacking ma fuckas that cough on me. Only in the twilight zone is it perfectly acceptable to cough on another human being. One would think that with all the scientific advancements made in the last century, fuck that daily, people would do his fellow human being the courtesy of covering his/her mouth. Somehow this common courtesy has alluded the great nationals of the Republic of Korea.
I write this post while sick in a coffee shop. As a "social experiment" I am deliberately spewing my virus into the open air. My hypothesis being, if I cough without covering my mouth then no one will give a flying fuck. As I release my spores no one gives a flying fuck. Actually, the people here seem to be joining me, creating a kind of influenza orgy. You sick fucks! Why haven't any of you reprimanded my blatant offense. That's right I live in the twilight zone.
My sentiments exactly
If you ever wonder why you're a walking petri dish year round just remember the countless times you've been sneezed on by your students. When I am sneezed on by my students, I lose my shit for the entire day. There is nothing anyone can say to convince me that my student didn't do that shit because he hates me. They always have a sick smile on their face after sneezing in mine. I don't know which is worse being sneezed on or being pissed on. Both of which has happened to me.
So I have a solution of the grandest kind. The next time a person sneezes on you, kindly wipe away the mucus, look them in their face with an understanding smile and then explain why you're going to slap them with the strength of a thousand pimps. I like to call it "sneeze n slap". It has to be a slap and not a punch because people can't believe a ma fucka would have the audacity slap them. Besides the point is to promote awareness not an altercation (O.o). I have played this out in my mind a million times and every time I've reached an orgasm. My dear South Korean brothers and sisters please cover your mouths when you sneeze, cough, inhale and exhale. I just might slap fire from you!
Over the past few years, I've had a steady dosage of being punched in the nuts. It's a wonder that my testicles are not completely mangled by now. The last time I checked (in the shower this morning) one still hung lower than the other. In my adolescent years I was convinced that something was wrong with me until the sex ed teacher told us that its normal for one nut to hang a little low.
I must make a confession. I haven't been very good to my identical twins. They have taken repeated beat downs over the past few years. I say to them, during masturbation (or sex...well not during sex they get kinda neglected except on my birthday) "just one more year and we will stop teaching kindergarten." And every year they stick or hang rather, with me. I don't know why they do BUT maybe it has something to do with them being attached.
Someday I wanna have children of my own. The key word here is someday. Then I think about my own kids punching me in the nuts on accident or on purpose. The thought of that causes my testicles to shrivel up to the point where it looks like I have a giant clitoris. My students seem to have heat syncing accuracy when it comes to my balls. It is my belief that they take great pleasure in seeing me double over in pain. The pain seems to take over my torso and paralyzes me leaving only my vocal chords yelling incoherent curses upon their parents.
So today will be the last day that I shall endure my testicles being a speed bag for five year olds training to become the next boxing champion of the world. I haven't been punched today but for old time sake, I will double over pain knowing it will be the last time. Well, until I have my own kids. FUCK! UPDATE: So I didn't get punched in the nuts but my penis was punched a few times. I hope this doesn't sound perverted.
All I heard in Korean were the words: only, black and good. In this sequence, the words appear to be in my favor in a kind of reverse racial preference. Hell, I'm the last person people want to hire. In Korea I'm near the bottom of the racial hierarchy with only ethnic Koreans from other countries and people blacker than my black ass below me. Even though I didn't understand the entire sentence, my suspicions were confirmed by the beet red uneasiness on the translator's face.
So to give her an out and to relieve some of the redness from her face I translated what was said. "Oh, so he said...I'm the first black person he has ever hired so let's make this a good experience." The translator sunk lower into her seat and nervously laughed in true Korean national fashion (when shit gets uncomfortable). Two things went on in my mind. What did he mean by his statement? Should I have taken it for face value or should I keep it real with this mutha fucka and tell him to judge me as a person and not what you've been told about me. I mean hell if I went on what I saw in the media about Korean proprietors in black and latino neighborhoods...wait scratch that. If I went on what I saw from Korean store owners in my neighborhood, I would hate all you mutha fuckas. Until I came to Korea and realized, oh shit, they aren't just racist but following you around until you buy something is actually part of the social fabric.
So did you decide?
Almost every day I want Korean nationals to "see dese rocks." The stares, the snickers, the blatant disregard when I speak to them in Korean. I now know how Mexicans immigrants feel minus almost being denied basic necessities like running water or a working toilet. But that is only a minor difference or big, depending on one's perspective. Oh the sarcasm! I would love to keep it real when a Korean person looks at my fine ass Korean Canadian girlfriend and wonder what the hell is she doing with my black ass. Actually, I'm wondering the same thing but that is beside the point.
The point if there ever was one is this: I just really wanted to cock back my rocks (Rocks being my testicles or fists you decide) and smash his face. But for what? So that I can get deported, when all I have to do is show him through my actions that I am first a human being and not some "over sensitive" black person. Now see those rocks!
I believe that marriage isn't between man and woman but between love and love - "We all try" Frank Ocean
Roughly two weeks ago, New York had it's first "legal" same - sex marriage ceremony. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder how it could have come to this? Who the fuck decided that heterosexual love is the only love worthy of marriage? Was it god or people who dictated that homosexual love was evil or unnecessary primarily because such unions produced no offspring? I contend that it was people and not god that has made it nearly impossible for gays and lesbians to be open about their sexual orientation.
Had I been born in a different era or location, my views on homosexuality could possibly be extremely different than they are currently. While I can certainly understand the logic behind why our ancestors strictly prohibited masturbation and homosexuality, that doesn't mean they were correct in their assessment. It simply means that fashion was obviously a none issue during that period (Sorry for the gay stereotype)! I would like to just call them fucking idiots.
Besides, what do you care? Personally, I find it flattering when a homosexual man finds me attractive. I don't need to prove my masculinity by using the phrase "no homo" as a goddamn punctuation mark. Currently, I'm sitting in a restaurant and the king of no homo, Lil Wayne, is playing on the radio. Wow, abrahamic religions created a world where expressing one's sexual preference is an absolute negative. Or god rather. Seems to me the only people that seem to care are those people that are wildly religious. I mean, come on! Why do you seek to ban same sex marriage? Because it's evil, huh? Well, can you and I have used our energies to stop the genocides in Rwanda or Sri Lanka? Oh ok those ambitions are too lofty? Let's start by providing American people with proper health care! Yaahooo! No, still nothing, huh? I think the real question is not why you seek to eradicate homosexual love but which part of your respective religious text should we adhere to? Which part is allegory and which is literal?
One thing that is perfectly clear is that god doesn't like homosexuality. In fact it is an abomination! God makes it seem as if homosexuality is not in the realm of redeemable sin. Damn is there a special place in hell for all fornicating homosexuals? Oh shit! They will go to hell with the same fuck holes that used god to justify slavery!YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I leave you with Keith Olbermann, who like me is not gay but agrees with same sex marriage.
"You're asked to stand on the question of love!" - Keith Olermann
There are millions of forbidden fruit walking about Seoul. You can see them walking up stairs, riding escalators and my favorite, getting into taxis. They are literally everywhere! These forbidden fruit are like ornaments decorating the city. They are always so neatly protected while being shipped via subway to their various destinations. When the fruit arrives at Samsung, Hyundai or (insert company here) they are admired from afar. If you're chosen, you can relish in its sweet nectar. Oh, how we love thee Forbidden Fruit! Let me count the ways. Vagina, pussy and coochie to name a few.
But if one more fucking boyfriend, newspaper, purse or over night bag blocks the fruit, I'm gonna...well er..uh..I'm not really sure what I might do. In my nightmare, I've always walked up to a gorgeous young woman and said, "I'm not one to complain but you do realize that your vagina is showing? Oh you do? So let me get this straight, you want me to pretend I don't see it and if I continue to look then I'm a fucking perv? Why you gotta slap me for?!" And then I wake up.
Korean ladies, if you don't want men/lesbians/people to look at your vagina then don't bare your fruit. Simply as that! Besides no one is thinking about how intelligent you are or how clever you may be. No one gives a shit about your PETA membership, your environmentally friendly Macbook or your semi witty barbs, OK. All we see initially is mini skirt, vagina and your panties that look like a hybrid between granny panties and mormon magic underwear. Why must you wear an outfit that from the waste up makes you look Muslim/office worker and from the waste down you look like easy access? I'm not advocating violating women physically but I am advocating looking at that fruit until your heart is content. I'd like to believe that women like to accentuate their physical beauty. For Korean women it might be legs but for Western women it might be breast or both. How many times have you heard a woman say "men don't see me, they see my breast." Still we must not overlook our initial form of attraction which has been with us since the beginning. And that my friends would be physical attraction. There is no argument! It is what it is. The other qualities become players when a person opens his or her mouth.
There is a noted difference in the way Korean women (Korean nationals) dress in comparison to their Western counterparts. Summer, winter, rain and snow those legs are out and that vagina is always a light breeze away. For people that come to Korea for the first time, it can be confusing because at times the women dress like they are going clubbing when in fact they are just going to the store to pick up some instant noodles (wait that sounded kinda racist). You can never tell the occasion by looking at a Korean woman's attire. Whereas with Western women the attire typically matches (I could be generalizing here) the occasion. Trust, she may not look like a hoochie but she won't look like confusion either.
We should just cut the bullshit. Men and women wear/do certain things to attractive the opposite or same sex. We are no different than our cousins in the animal kingdom in this regard. Men and women dictate what the opposite or same sex finds attractive. So if it's a mini skirt during a blizzard so be it. We still must take into account that men dominate our respective cultures and what men want generally speaking, men get (which brings up questions about gender equality).
To my beloved Korean sisters, I only ask that if you are planning to have a night out on the town, take a taxi so that you don't have to go through the hassle of covering your vagina with a pocket book. And if your gonna go to work in a revealing miniskirt...yeah you might want to rethink that. Wear a skirt that almost comes to your knees. You may still be the apple of our lustful eyes but at least we can't see your Forbidden Fruit. Oh and one last thing, don't look at Western Women with the stank face if her shoulders, arms, cleavage or back is showing because if you hadn't noticed we can all see your vagina. DON'T SLAP ME!
"Why don't you talk like a black dude? You sound like a white guy. I
think you can teach me better English...hehe." Oh, I'm gonna teach you
some English all right. Let's try a few expressions, like "bend that ass
over", "get that hump out your back" or my personal favorite
"bring that ass back" Or better yet I could talk to you like Wesley Pipes (he has some funny quotes) during casual conversation. Should I be rapping Gucci Mane lyrics while
we're having mediocre sex? Oh, you need a shirt to sleep in? I have an
assortment of Tall Tees from 2005 that you can wear.
I use to swim in the pool of Korean girls that dated black men
exclusively. To be exact, it is a kiddy pool that only comes up to your
ankles. It seemed that every black dude was trying to get their size 13
wearing feet into that pool. Keeping with the pool analogy, these Korean women
seemed to have only dipped their toes into black American culture. Unless you
hate your ethnicity, there is nothing wrong with exclusively dating another
ethnicity. If one chooses to venture down that path, do us a favor and research
said ethnicity's culture.
If one more Korean girl (Korean nationals not gyopos) questions my
blackness, I'm going to enroll her into a black studies class. You know, so
that she can at least get the jest of my culture. No offense to my
military brethren but some of ya'll are fucking up by giving these women one
aspect of black culture. If I see one more Korean girl with the caption
"my niggaz" every black dude in the military is gonna line up for a
punch in the testicles. The exception being my man Levye.
If another So Young tells me that I'm not
black enough, she won't be getting a conversation nor will she be getting hard dick and bubblegum. If another Jin Hee asks me why I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers she won't be getting any Blood Sugar Sex or Magic. After all almost
every genre of music has been influenced by or originated from black music. I
should put it into the blogosphere, hate me if you must but some of my
brothers, no matter their ethnicity are young and immature. So to put it as
Jay-Z once did about Soldier Boy Tell Em, you can't expect a young dude to be a
certain way because he lacks life experiences.
So to help out all the would be black male dating Korean girls, I'm
gonna do you a favor. Here are a few things that will get you on the way to
understanding black American culture:
1. Trans Atlantic slave trade.
2. Harriet Tubman 3. Chicken
4. Malcolm x and Martin Luther King Jr. and Marcus Garvey and W.E.B.Dubois
and Booker T.Washington
5. Black Panthers/SNCC
6. Civil Rights Movement
7. Brown vs. Board
8. Chicken/black music
9. Modern discrimination
10. Phat asses
In a perfect world my future wife would fuck me when I wanted and make all matter of chicken dishes. She would remove my ingrown hair from any orifice of my body with delight. My wife would also know every NBA team along with their players and coaches. Mrs. Robinson would also be skilled at debating logically about politics, history and which porn star has the fattest ass. She would know when to shut the fuck up and know how to convey her feelings in a tactful manner. Yeah, I almost forgot, she would fuck me when I wanted. Wait, I already mentioned that, huh?
But we don't live in a perfect world. Hell, I'm not sure if a semblance of my aforementioned future wife will ever exist in my generation. My generation is a bit confused about gender roles and are making them up as we go. Our grandparents marked the end of an age when a woman's sole duty was to take care of the household while the man worked. Our parents were the first generation that had to deal with the changing gender roles. A friend of my dad's once said "my wife better have her ass back home by one a.m.cuz a woman ain't got no business in the streets at all times of night." Initially, I thought he was concerned for her safety but his follow up comment, "that's what men do" and "she can only be up to one thing" made things clear. Then I thought well, hell, all of you guys (my dad's friends) are out all times of night with one another and ya'll ain't doing shit so what makes you think differently of her.
Being from the hood, I've encountered some weird names. Some were nick names and some were actual names. I knew this kid whose nick name was "Blue" because he was so dark skinned he looked blue. By day he was a walking, talking shadow and by night he was God with a southern accent. A kid that I graduated high school with, who now goes by "OG" Bobby Johnson, was aptly named Dead Eye Bobby. Of course, he had a noticeable lazy eye, but no one called him that to his face. I sure as hell wouldn't! Although I would agree that vocalizing Dead Eye Bobby is comical. Go ahead, try it!
A girl my mom knew (wait relating to anybody my mom's age as a girl is kinda repulsive) named her child, Marijuana Tequila. That dear Minions, is a true story. The names that I have come across in Korea have been interesting to say the least. I met a dude on the back streets of Yanjae who went by the name of Appleseed. Appleseed is hardly a nick name but more like a twitter handle. The name was kinda befitting because he looked like Johnny Appleseed. Imagine a frontiersman juxtaposed against the neon lights of Seoul. Weird. The other day a chick told me her name was cow. Hearing a woman introduce herself as cow made me a little, well a whole lot of uneasy. Once a friend of mine introduced herself as taint aka perineum the entire night. When someone introduces themselves or when you see a name written certain ideas are attributed to that person. Sometimes certain presumptions can be made by looking at a persons name. For example, one can presume the person in question belongs to a specific ethnic group. If your name is Reginald, Tyrone or Precious you are probably Black American. But if you live in England, Reginald is an old white dude. If your last name is Garcia in America you are more likely to be associated with Latinos than you are to be associated with a white European from Spain. One would be far less likely to associate someone with the name Garcia with one of Phillipino descent.
All of these names have different truths about them. Yet, humanity tends to relate them to what is true on a mass scale. This line of reasoning is helpful because with so much information happening around us life becomes a bit easier when we can place things into a category. Names speak volumes and at times go ahead of you before you are physically in the conversation. Sometimes they let people know who the fuck you are. If you are a person of color, black, latino or asian, your name can be beneficial in corporate america i.e. affirmative action. Granted, you must have a name that is easily pronounceable. If your name is Carmaletha, Shaquita or Devian (pronounced Deviun with a faux French accent..lol) you probably won't see the light of day on Wall Street because these names are filled with things one does not want to be associated with. Poverty, uneducated, criminals and my favorite "lazy sons of bitches". Imagine the hard work Carmaletha put in to be considered as a candidate for the position only to be dismissed because of her name. I'm sure this happens less often.
P.S. If one more person tells me that stupid joke about the girl named La-a in which the dash is pronounced I'm going to rip your fucking heart out.
I don't know if it was me yelling every syllable in the phrase "what's-my-mo-tha-fuc-kin-name?!" or AK 47 answering. But apparently we are too loud when ahem making love. We were loud enough to get a letter from AK's Canadian neighbor. The interesting thing is that I've gotten a letter from my neighbors before in Korean. My, then Korean girl friend was embarrassed because they literally told us to get a room. How the fuck are you gonna tell me I can't fuck my (ex) girlfriend in my own house? Yet this time I felt some kind of way. I wasn't embarrassed for being heard having sex, I was ashamed because I normally like to be considerate of other people’s feelings. Then I remembered meeting her boyfriend on the elevator.
AK 47 and I met her live in boyfriend on the elevator. Although I've known of his existence since November I've recently met the guy a month ago. Somehow he knew my name and I promptly asked "yo, man...um...ahem...do you hear anything?" He replied with an honest "no, not at all." So AK 47 and I continued on with our wild monkey love. Not that my dear readers wanna know this but AK and I have been having a lot of make-up sex....so yeah we can be a little loud and unruly(I didn't know I hate you could be filled with such ecstasy!). Then last Saturday we got a note. The note went like this and remember as a guy I'm summarizing it because it was too detailed:
1. We have to turn up my music at uncomfortable levels.
2. We have to eat dinner with earplugs in.
3. You guys we're having sex at 6:30 in the morning which woke us up twice.
The first two complaints were obviously from the woman. The third one is more than likely the boyfriend’s only complaint. This made me think, men and women see the act of sex differently. For example, whenever I've lived next to a single guy they never complain about sex noises. In fact they comment about it the next time they see you. That's the way guys operate. Imagine this: Who would be more offended by sex in public guys or women? We have to take into consideration religious affiliation but nobody follows their religion entirely. Women are always the one to be offended. Who is more likely to rush and put on their clothes when somebody walks in on them having sex? Well, if you're cheating that's a different story completely. There is possibly something within the female psyche that detests the sound of love making and/or sex in nontraditional places. (Please give me your theories, no seriously I wanna know!)
But let us return to the boyfriend. I've noticed that men don't normally complain unless said love making hinders their ability to sleep or shit. Because honestly we can piss anywhere. This could explain why most people have sex in the mens bathroom. I've been in the bathroom while people were having sex and every guy that entered was like "Good for him!" I've also have had friend who needed to wake up early the next day and will confront you like "hurry that shit up!" Look, I value the girlfriend’s complaints but in my horny opinion when people have sex you are bound to hear it but you shouldn't hear it when you are trying to get a project done or when trying to get sleep.
AK 47 and I have a theory of how the whole ordeal went down. The chick probably wanted to write the letter a long time ago but the boyfriend was like come on chill. It's sex get over it. Then when we woke his ass up at 6:30 twice on a Saturday morning he was probably like "babe right that fucking letter!"
I use to think Korean people were walking around saying the word nigga freely. The only reason I didn't jump to conclusions was because the word black in Romantic languages (not to be confused with romantic love) sounds like the derogate word nigger. Thus, I would look like an idiot if they were merely saying the word black in Korean. A few years ago I was on a train to Seoul from Pyeongtaek and two older ladies were throwing the word through the air like The Last Poets. I nearly lost my shit! Luckily my boy JC (not Jesus Christ) spoke Korean and explained with hysterical laughter what they were saying. The Korean words for "I" and "me" sounds vaguely like nigga.
There is a word that does exist in Korean that doesn't exactly mean nigger. The word Com Dunni (meaning black skinned person in a negative connotation) was first used by Korean royalty to describe a feudal workers complexion or skin pigmentation. Globalization has allowed the word to encompass any dark skinned person. Com Dunni is used for people of African descent in Korea and in the U.S. because we are generally the darkest people.
Once I was called Com Dunni by a student and again I almost went ape shit (probably shouldn't refer to myself going ape shit). My boss destroyed the student and sent him back to my classroom in uncontrollable tears. In fact he didn't come to school for the entire week. When he returned to class he was my best student! An old man called me com dunni when I didn't know what the word meant. I remember people being appalled and embarrassed.
One night in Hongdae a drunk guy called me a nigger in Korean because he thought I couldn't understand him. There was some kind of fury in my eyes and his friend being sober realized I could understand his friend. He quickly said I'm sorry in Korean and rushed his friend ahead of us. I wanted to beat him and at the same time I hated that I allowed a word to have power over me. Luckily, for him my boy John Lieu talked me out of being deported.
Korean Americans pose a different set of problems when they used the word nigger in any form because they know the history of the word. Being a Person of Color they also have been treated like niggers. Personally, I would rather people who are not of African descent to not use the word. A Korean American got into an altercation and used the word nigga as a black dude would have. Once the guy realized the power of the word he begin to taunt my boy with it. At one point I had my boy restrained but at the first usage of the word nigga even I was about to beat his ass. Nigger is still a powerful word....
The very first thing I learned when I arrived in Korea four years ago was...never help a Korean woman when she is getting beat the fuck up. Well, at least help at your own risk. I remember hearing an argument between a Korean man and a Korean woman. Me being a nosy Negro from the hood went to the window and almost on cue the dude slapped the life outta her. Instinctively, I wanted to help but someone beat me to the rescue. Thank the God I don't believe in because Jesus Christ! The man and the woman both attacked the hero.
Once when I was train riding to Itaewon (not paying the fare) I witnessed a man kicking his wife on the low (inconspicuously...as if you could kick someone this way) and murmuring curse words. He had a son and she looked to be pregnant (I guess the cycle will continue). The image always stayed with me because I never said anything to the man. I missed an opportunity to help someone being battered and instead of defusing the situation I sat rebuking his action idly. Still part of me wonders what happens to the women when an outside source intervenes. Does the husband or boyfriend go bizerk because when the commotion is done she still has to go home with him?
One time a friend of mine tried to help a woman because her boyfriend kicked her in the stomach. Guess who side she took when my friend confronted the boyfriend. Let’s say the only reason my friend wasn't in jail for kicking that dudes ass was because the owner of the bar saw the entire altercation. My ex girl friend saw a man beating up a woman in Itaewon and nobody stopped to help. Nobody! I’m sure if the man was a Foreigner a Korean man would have helped out.The only reason the dude stopped was because he realized that he was stomping her ass out in public. I told her that the word may be out to refuse help to Korean woman being battered in public. What a fucking shame! There should be no excuse for helping someone unless you live in America.
Every once in a while I like to wrestle with my girlfriend AK 47 just to stroke my ego and to let her know that if I wanted to I could snap her fucking neck. Granted, there are laws in place to keep me from doing that nor would I ever intentionally snap her fucking neck. That being said I would put her in a full Nelson. Then it made me think. Women are undoubtedly at a physical disadvantage.
For women this may be a nightmare that is all too familiar for them. For some women the thought of being attacked by a man has often hindered their willingness to participate in routines oblivious to men. Walking home at night can be a terrifying ordeal. As a member of the dominate species I have often wondered why women simply don't just travel alone more often. I was totally unaware of the hazards women face.
This is beginning to sound more like Beyonce's video "If I Were a Boy". But if I were a girl, I WOULD BE DERANGED. I'm not really talking about all the creeps coming up to you asking for your number. I would be horrified at the idea of being over powered with brute force. Well maybe not in the bedroom...what...should I say no homo?
According to a study back in 2002 by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crimes, the U.S. has the highest number of rapes. While we may be falling behind in education we sure do know how to be number one raping bitches. The statistic suggests a few things about U.S. It is probably one of the few countries where women feel strong enough to pursue the aggressor. And yet it isn't one of those countries because some communities in the U.S. and throughout the world view women as anything other than victim. If the U.S. is ranked number one in rape then imagine the cases that remain unreported.
An ex girlfriend of mine once told me that in Korea if a girl is raped she can sometimes be disowned by her family. The family will ask what the woman did to be raped but most likely not. Rape is a transgression that should never be forgiven...never. Especially if one can prove that she was raped. Rape can sometimes alter lives and change the course of one’s trajectory making it hard to trust and cope psychologically. Still I'm only speaking empathetically. For I have never been raped and probably never will. Unless of course, it's role playing with my girlfriend AK 47.
Speaking of which AK 47 brought something to my attention that I have always known but wasn't consciously aware of it. Men keep other men in check as it relates to physical altercations. Men and only men are deterrents. Men, the law and social evolution are the only thing keeping us from raping bitches. In reality social evolution and men are in fact the only reason men don't go on a rampage. A law can be etched in stone but stone can be broken. And in countries where the law is not upheld women live in fear. Unless you're taking back the power of the pussy!
I used to teach kindergarten in a rural town called Deokso 덕소. It should have been suburbian Seoul since it was located just 15/20 minutes away from Seoul. I'm sure, all the derelicts were banished to this small town. But that's beside the point. When I taught there, I had these two girls in my class who were about four years old fight everyday for my attention. It was actually really creepy to see these girls do evil shit to each other.
:16 and then the step over
One day, let's say, Amy was leaning on my shoulder while I was grading her paper. Elaine came outta nowhere and slammed Amy to the ground! Then Elaine stepped over Amy like Dwayne Wade did to Varejao after dunking in his face! And then said that's how you get the teacher's attention! After the step over she nestled up on my shoulder and gave me the cute little epileptic eye blink akin to Walter Disney's female characters. I wanted to laugh but I was also like DAYUM!
I was talking with AK 47 about girls so young trying to get attention from males. I noticed that the boys cling to the female teachers. And really don't give a shit about me until it's time to do boy stuff. Then of course, they love me. Since she did major in early childhood developement she informed me that children as young as three begin to show sexual preference.
This morning when I can into work Hillary, my four year old student wanted to show me that she got her nails painted, that she got a new piece of plastic jewelery and she was wearing her favorite dress. This is the child that claims that I like Lee Yeon (her nemesis) better. Maybe I do. Then Lee Yeon walks into the classroom, wearing a new outfit. She also wanted me to what she was wearing. Oh how I wish adult women would be so upfront....but thats another blog.
The thing I found remarkable in both situations was that in the latter scenario the other girl felt outclassed and just gracefully bowed out. Still I watched her looking for her chance to play with Reggie Teacher. In the former scenario one student didn't give a fuck about the other student and slammed her showing me that either she was crazy or that she would fight for what she wanted. Or both. I've seen this kinda behavior within both sexes but it is strange to see it in children as young as four.
For example my student Hillary forces me to do stuff I don't want to do like look at maps and point out where I live in America and where we are in Korea. She forces me to talk to my mom on the phone and we pretends to go and visit her. When the boys wanna play she says no then she says yes but under one condition...she has to be there. All the boys are looking weird and I'm simply apologizing with my eyes. When I finally let her know she is smothering me she gets weird but she always comes back around. Kinda sounds familiar right. She is simple exhibiting the same behavior we adults engage in. It makes me wonder if gender roles/behavior are pure genetics or are children picking up social cues during thier early stages of developement.
After I finished smoking my dart (shout out to Tim Belanger), I headed straight to bed to cuddle up with Stephen Hawking. Well, not actually Stephen Hawking because that would be weird. Could you imagine that?! Me holding Stephen and him being horrified but unable to move. "I thought we were gonna watch donkeys fucking." Damnit! I forgot I told AK 47 that I would show her that mini documentary about men and teenage boys having sex with donkey's. You might be asking yourself why the fuck are you watching grown ass men fuck donkeys. Well my friend, one of my boys Zach Marble introduced me to Vice and all of its sweet debauchery!
So before I post it, the mini documentary is about prepubescent boys and grown ass men in rural Columbia that fuck donkeys. Don't ask why they are fucking donkeys! It's the same reason why teenage boys were/are fucking cows! At any rate the reasoning behind donkey fucking is that it is believed to give the boys ample practice before they get married to a woman. Since the country is over 95% Catholic, you can guess why boys are fucking donkeys. Here is the clip from vice tv.
http://www.vbs.tv/watch/the-vice-guide-to-sex--3/asses-of-the-caribbean--3
After the doc was over I asked AK 47 would you rather your boyfriend cheat on you with a woman or have sex with a donkey? Yeah, I know it was an absolutely ridiculous question, but let's add this. Your boyfriend/significant other was going away for a couple of years ie..the military. Would you rather him fuck a woman or a donkey? Also bare in mind your bf/significant other may develope feelings for the woman and leave you entirely. However you chose to answer the question you will be judged....negatively!LOL!
If I were to ask my grandfather when or if it is ever appropriate to use the word nigger or it's derivatives he would look at me in the face and slap me with all of the wrath of a former slave. Not simply former slaves from Africa and its diaspora, but the first slaves ever...women. My grandfather always tells me this story of the Watts riots.
One afternoon in 1965 he was on his porch holding my mom who was not a year old yet. The National Guard rolled through the hood. One of the Guards said to my grandfather "Nigger get back in your house!" My grandfather responded with "this is my house!" The guard then responded "get back in the house Nigger or I will blow you away." My grandfather obviously not concerned with his or my mother's safety stood his ground. The guy cocked his weapon and my grandmother screamed and begged him back into the house. That's what the word Nigger means to him.
When my father was a kid he saw police officers beat the shit outta a man while all the black people watched helplessly. As my dad walked closer to get a better look the officer yelled to my father, "One more step and I'll blow your head off little nigger!" Safe to say my dad didn't walk another step. These are the stories from our parents and grandparents generation. A generation that is still alive and living with the horrors of being subhuman. We often fight over generational issues and the issue with black Americans is the use of the word nigger or its derivatives. Yet, if it causes so much anguish to our parents why do we continue to use the word?
A year ago in Itaewon, I couldn't get a taxi to take me anywhere. I had to walk half way to hongdae (where I lived at the time) to get a taxi. I would like to think it was by coincidence that I couldn't get a taxi on that particular night but it has happened numerous time. And every time outta frustration I vow to blow this bitch up! Then I regain my sensibility. I realized long ago that cab drivers in Seoul have a passenger hierarchy. Korean, people will more than likely be able to flag a taxi. Although sometimes Koreans have a difficult time getting a taxi at night in certain areas.
Let us not delve into the hierarchy of who gets a taxi based on ethnicity. As a black American man, I based my life in Korea around the time of day and who I'm with when trying to flag a cab. I've noticed that women are more likely to be picked up by a taxi. Still ethnicity plays a huge part. For example, I've tried to get a taxi with a Korean woman before and the taxi cab driver sees me with her and looks at her with total disgust. With a black woman from any part of the African Diaspora, they look frightened to see the both of us. But with a white woman I've found it to be the easiest way to catch a cab. For example:
My good friend Pinnacle the Hustler, invited me to a radio show he was doing in Seoul. On our way to the studio my sister and his girlfriend Dolce , decided that she should try to get a taxi after four vacant taxis passed us by. Dolce got a taxi rather quickly but later on that night a white chick from the studio got a taxi with us in .06 seconds. Black Americans in general have an unspoken language that I just can't explain. Actually POC (People of Color) in the U.S. share this unspoken language.
When the white woman was with us we all slowly backed away without words and we immediately knew that if we were gonna get outta Gangnam anytime soon...she was our ticket. And without fail a taxi stopped for her. What was strange was the way in which we ambushed the guys car. Darkness was upon him and he looked mad confused when 3 black people bomb rushed his car. Can you imagine seeing two black dudes running at your car at night wearing nothing but black and a down ass chick draped in the same colors?! If I was in America I would shit but I'm in Korea...it's safe.
The other night while in Zen Bar, I had a conversation about the differences between the sexes with the homies Kristen and CJ (the woman not CJ the guy). You might be saying to yourself, "why the hell are you guys having conversations? Shouldn't you guys be partying?" Well, we had been there long enough to hear Empire State of Mindat least five times. At this point it had become only fitting to have a conversation about the debauchery going on around us. We seemingly were the only people in the bar who were not drunk. If we were researchers they, the drunkards, were the wild animals oblivious to us watching them have sex...so to speak.
Speaking of sex, not the act of but what defines us biologically, Kristen made a great observation. Men, in general are more likely to describe a person of the same sex by using material assets as opposed to their female counterparts(I used "their" as if I am not a man..kinda weird). Women in general will describe a person of the same sex by using physical attributes. I'm not sure but I'm almost positive that both sexes use personality traits to describe the same sex.
Throughout our night/morning of decadence Kristen made a key observation after one of our friends was hit on by a gay guy. Why don't men take it as a compliment when a guy of the same sex hits on us? I remember a gay guy hitting on me in a bar. I mean this guy and I talked the night away. I mean we talked about sports, ethnicity, more sports, American foreign policy and again more sports. All the shit guys talk about. So at the end of the night he grabs my thigh and whispers in my ear, rather seductively, I love black guys. I was shocked and I could also see that dude was serious...So I did what Kevin Spacey did in the movie American Beauty and simply responded, "I'm sorry but I think your mistaken, I'm not gay." Then he proceeded to give me the "fuck you bitch" facial expression (How do women deal with this). After all those drink he bought me I totally was like yeah I'm not gay.
I never want to ever kiss a man on the lips unless he is my blood relative but then again I never want to kiss anybody on the lips unless she is of the opposite sex and unrelated. I wonder though why did I responded in this fashion rather than beat the fuck outta him. I learned a few things that night. Stereotypes are often wrong (unless we're talking about black people and menthal cigarettes). Gay guys love "guy" shit too! Wait that sounds weird plus I shouldn't have used the exclamation mark. Gay guys are interested in the same topics as straight guys. And that I had become perfectly secure with my own sexuality. Still how many guys would have beat the fuck outta that guy?
When I was in college I wrote a review about the book entitled Nigger by Randall Kennedy. My English advisor Dr. Urwiller was a white dude from a farm in Nebraska and the look on his face when he saw my title was priceless. Probably similar to yours when you saw the title to this blog. Unintentionally, I had made it impossible for him to say my title aloud. Or around other black people. Underneath my facsade I wanted to say "Urwiller, you ma nigga, I ain't trippin."
I have always held mixed feelings about the word. In fact I have never been called a nigger by a white person until I came to Korea. In fact,when I was a child, I assumed the word was in everyone's vocabulary. It was as simple as saying "my, man". To me the word was an after thought until...my parents told me the history of the word.
But the incredible thing about the N-Word was that other people of color are also using the word. When I was young I didn't really like none black people using the word. Especially white people. As I got older I understood that the plight of other People of Color (POC) is similar to mine. They too were forced to live in a world that won't allow them to fully assimilate (and allow us to keep our native cultures as well). If only we could have been white like the Polish, Irish and Italians. Once when I was in Seoul I used to see a young lady from Iran (but has been living in the west since age 7). She quoted Dave Chappelle saying "you might have to fight a nigga a two." I was a little taken aback. I mean obviously the racial slur for Arabs is "sand nigger" but it felt a little weird. She could sense my uneasiness and said "my people are treated like niggers" or "dune coons" (the later sounds ridiculously funny when vocalized). What was she actually saying? I knew what she was saying but I still felt a twinged in my soul when she uttered the word.
My current girlfriend is Jewish. In the summer time she looks Italian or Puerto Rican and in the winter she looks Russian. She is a Jew through and through. Somehow I expect her to use the word but she hasn't except in the occasional rap song. I'm Kidding! The reason I've come to expect it is because people who have endured under such hostile environments have earned the right to use nigga. Or have they?
The other day I got hit by a car. It wasn't a full on collision but more like a Hybrid SUV backing up and grazing my elbow. This accident came moments after AK 47 and I were talking about how much we enjoy being in Korea. Then without fail something happened to make me question my love affair with South Korea. It is as if Korea wants you to fall in love with it by enticing you with its charm before punching you in the eye and yelling "GOT YOU BITCH!!!!!"
The better part of me wanted to slam my 16 dollar bucket of ice cream in his face but AK 47 warned me not to waste the ice cream. For the sake of indulgence, let's say I did bash his face with the ice cream would it have been fair? I mean he did almost run me over with his SUV Hybrid car thingy.
There are a few reason why I didn't fuck him up. Reason one being I don't wanna be deported. Reason two being I don't want to be brutally beaten by some random Korean pedestrian who decided to jump into our fight. The first reason is the least of my worries and garners no validity. The possibilities of deportation is a real threat but unless you have meaningful ties in the country you can always come back..hehehe.
I've been in Korea for a while and have seen massive brawls between foreigners and Koreans. The fight usually starts off with one opposing force versus the other...you know...a one on one fight. And then whether the Korean dude is winning the fight or not his fellow countrymen enter into the fray. I should remind you that the Korean guy that jumped into the fight doesn't know the guy he is helping. I've noticed that random Korean men don't jump into a fight as enthusiastically when the altercation is between Koreans.
Staying in the vein of reasons, I understand the reason for such fervent behavior. It's a little term called 정 Jeong. The term is hard to explain but the way that I've come to understand the word is through my unspoken communication with Black Americans. Albeit some Black Americans are unable to speak this language but most are. Yet, if you watch even the most educated black person or if you are fortunate enough to develop a lasting bond with said black person then their culture will peek through. No one can explain it but it just is. It exist between black people partly because of our shared history and our unique experiences as people of color.
Group think - not always good
So looking through he guise of being a black American I understand Jeong. I understand Korea's ancestors being occupied by the Mongols, Chinese, Japanese and most recently the Americans. When one is occupied and atrocities are committed against the oppressed the need to band together is necessary. But when does that bond become willfully ignorant? Back in 2006,Shin Mun Seon, a Korean commentator, was called a traitor for simplifying stating that the call the referee made was correct. This type of group think from oppressed people both black and Korean can prove detrimental to both groups respectively. Group think from any group causes stagnation and can possibly ostracize individuals who dare to question the cultural paradigm.
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