Pipe em down

  I think his name was Jake, although I'm not sure. I could be coming off a tad bit racist by giving him a supposed white name. I would be a little offended if someone were to call me a stereotypical black name like Tyrone, Jamal or the all encompassing Reggie. Nonetheless, I think that's what he told me to call him. I don't know what I expected him to be. Being perfectly frank, I thought he would be the king of all that sucks ass during Ole 55's Wednesday open mic night.

 "Hey, Jake! You wanna play something?"

"My god," I thought. "Mr. Peppermint's love child with Joaquin Phoenix lives in Busan, South Korea?" Jake turned around with a beer in one hand and a fucking bagpipe in the other. I had had enough of performers playing weird instruments. Earlier in the night, a guy was playing the banjo. I had never seen a real person play the banjo and I was about to witness a man playing the fucking bagpipes. I thought the bagpipes were a thing of lore, prescribed to leprechauns and Scottish blokes. I couldn't leave the bar because this was going to be a night that ended with pure comedy and I wanted in.
  There were a splattering of women in the bar but it was clearly hot, sweaty and cock to cock.  He appeared on stage with his shirt opened exposing a wicked sweet tattoo. He wore some obnoxiously high cut off pants. Although, I saw him a few weeks later at a bar in what looked to be his underwear. He tilted his sand speckled hat right above the only other visible part of his face, his eyes. Then he began to play.
  I really wanted to laugh at Jake who looked like a mixture of Jay and Silent Bob. I silently wanted to see him fail. Silently because as a comedian, I know how hard it is to get up on stage and perform for assholes. I would have loved to live vicariously through a douche bag yelling "Is this taint really playing the bagpipes?" I didn't want to like anything new nor did I want to appreciate a young Gandalf The Grey playing great music via bagpipes. He truly made me eat my shit. Two milky handfuls of my own shit. Contrarily, I appreciated it too.
  What I had not equated to the equation was the amount of chicks he had rocking to his rendition of Scotland the Brave. Dave Chappelle (click the link) had one thing wrong. White people not only go crazy over the guitar but apparently the bagpipes as well. Suddenly the sweet scent of pussy was everywhere! This man had single handedly gotten himself sexed and other guys as well. His tattoo swelled every time he blew a note. His sweat drained off him like a fat man having sex.  Hell, Jake played like a man fucking his instrument. And when he was done, we all reached a musical climax with him.
  The beauty of Jake is the beauty of being a foreigner in Korea. We are the truly eclectic part from the West. We are the weird, the crazed, the derelicts and sometimes the irreligious. At least thats what some may think of us for living in a land unlike our own. But above all else we are the brave. Not because we left whatever city or province we come from but because we are unafraid to share our experiences or our talent with others. Though I have never spoken to him after that night at Ole 55, I want to thank you Jake for reminding me why we are epic.