Pipe em down

  I think his name was Jake, although I'm not sure. I could be coming off a tad bit racist by giving him a supposed white name. I would be a little offended if someone were to call me a stereotypical black name like Tyrone, Jamal or the all encompassing Reggie. Nonetheless, I think that's what he told me to call him. I don't know what I expected him to be. Being perfectly frank, I thought he would be the king of all that sucks ass during Ole 55's Wednesday open mic night.

 "Hey, Jake! You wanna play something?"

"My god," I thought. "Mr. Peppermint's love child with Joaquin Phoenix lives in Busan, South Korea?" Jake turned around with a beer in one hand and a fucking bagpipe in the other. I had had enough of performers playing weird instruments. Earlier in the night, a guy was playing the banjo. I had never seen a real person play the banjo and I was about to witness a man playing the fucking bagpipes. I thought the bagpipes were a thing of lore, prescribed to leprechauns and Scottish blokes. I couldn't leave the bar because this was going to be a night that ended with pure comedy and I wanted in.
  There were a splattering of women in the bar but it was clearly hot, sweaty and cock to cock.  He appeared on stage with his shirt opened exposing a wicked sweet tattoo. He wore some obnoxiously high cut off pants. Although, I saw him a few weeks later at a bar in what looked to be his underwear. He tilted his sand speckled hat right above the only other visible part of his face, his eyes. Then he began to play.
  I really wanted to laugh at Jake who looked like a mixture of Jay and Silent Bob. I silently wanted to see him fail. Silently because as a comedian, I know how hard it is to get up on stage and perform for assholes. I would have loved to live vicariously through a douche bag yelling "Is this taint really playing the bagpipes?" I didn't want to like anything new nor did I want to appreciate a young Gandalf The Grey playing great music via bagpipes. He truly made me eat my shit. Two milky handfuls of my own shit. Contrarily, I appreciated it too.
  What I had not equated to the equation was the amount of chicks he had rocking to his rendition of Scotland the Brave. Dave Chappelle (click the link) had one thing wrong. White people not only go crazy over the guitar but apparently the bagpipes as well. Suddenly the sweet scent of pussy was everywhere! This man had single handedly gotten himself sexed and other guys as well. His tattoo swelled every time he blew a note. His sweat drained off him like a fat man having sex.  Hell, Jake played like a man fucking his instrument. And when he was done, we all reached a musical climax with him.
  The beauty of Jake is the beauty of being a foreigner in Korea. We are the truly eclectic part from the West. We are the weird, the crazed, the derelicts and sometimes the irreligious. At least thats what some may think of us for living in a land unlike our own. But above all else we are the brave. Not because we left whatever city or province we come from but because we are unafraid to share our experiences or our talent with others. Though I have never spoken to him after that night at Ole 55, I want to thank you Jake for reminding me why we are epic.

Embrace that ass

not the ass I'm talking about

  I have a confession to make. I'm in love with big legged women. At present, I'm dating a big legged Asian woman. I'm aware that this may indeed sound like an oxymoron. If I was at liberty to show you pictures you would undoubtedly agree. If you follow my blog as a regular or from a afar you know that I'm black American. In which case my opening monologue will be but a mere stereotype that is probably true.  
  I can not tell you where the black man's lust for big legged women originated. I can only tell you that this lust has evaded both socioeconomic and generational gaps within the black community. In fact, it is the glue that holds the black community together. Well, the last statement may definitely be untrue. 
  I will not try to to come up with a cleaver transition into my declaration. Such carnal statements just need to be said. Korean women SHOW DAT ASS. Just in case the Korean government is reading this, I do not mean this in a literal sense. Unless, of course, my Korean sisters feel that they should. What I mean is these days, I’m beginning to see more Korean women with nice butts. Not in a video vixen, pawg kinda way but in a “I see you girl” kinda way.
  Personally, Korean women with round booties need to embrace them. Korean girls with thick thighs should embrace them as well. It’s becoming a little old seeing women wear baggy clothes or sweaters in the summer. Who the hell are you fooling. As a guy that unabashedly gets through life by looking, (sometimes following that ass for blocks), I appreciate a nice figure. The last sentence sounded a bit stalkerish. My point is that my Korean sisters should be proud of that phat ass.
  Case in point: I have a co worker at my job that wears long shirts and sweaters in the blistering fucking heat. One day she decided to wear a skirt and a short sleeved shirt. I was like “Damn (insert name here) that ass is nice.” Of course I didn’t relay my delight to her but maybe she could see me glancing at it. Which is probably the reason she went immediately back to wearing Eskimo gear. We live on the fucking beach though!

  At any rate, like with any movement it must start from within that particular culture. No matter how fond I am of dat ass, as a man, I’m just that, a man.  Women or any group that faces inequality do not need someone from the dominate group to tell them how they should advance the culture. What the dominate group must do is understand and help when it is wanted. But damn Korean sisters, I sure do wish you would put those sweaters away in the summer.

  

Be kind, get in line

  I've noticed a few things when I leave this place to visit my country or another. That Korea is kinda rude. While being gawked over or pointed at can be a bit disheartening, it doesn't qualify in the rudeness category. I can imagine what indigenous people might have thought upon seeing foreigners. In their respective languages it might sound similar to "What the fuck is that?" Some would argue that as a developed nation, Korea should have some semblance of decency and not be astonished when seeing a non white foreigner. I agree with this annoyance but I chalk it up to Korea being a new player on social awareness on a global scale.

  What I find hard to tolerate is rudeness in daily social interactions. I can not tolerate clearly being next in line to pay for my items and the clerk taking a person's money and items ahead of me. I can not tolerate having the elevator door opening up to a person that will not let me get off first. Oh! The look you get when they walk into you! As if wanting to get off the elevator is a serious infraction on the quality of life. I can not tolerate someone closing my foot up in the elevator because I took a nano second to long getting off. I consider myself lucky that the elevator doors are not made of sharp, metal blades or I would have no feet to put my Air Jordan's into.

  In keeping with the thread of impatience I can not tolerate people not letting other people get off the subway before bursting into the subway car. That's just regotdamndiculous! I can not tolerate someone abruptly stopping to text instead of moving to the side. Again, looking at me as if I deliberately tried to ram my dick into their back. Aside from all that I really hate the grocery store etiquette. I always have to ask myself "did this person move my basket without at least saying excuse me?" Or "did you really just ram your basket into me? I'm tall and black, you can't miss me!" I'm the black spot in a homogeneous society...how can you not see me in a well lit grocery store?

  I've visited a few countries now, and the locals were polite. Even in some of the poorest countries, even the Asian countries that some Korean nationals degrade, got it right in the politeness department. No one did any of the aforementioned complaints. When I return to Korea from traveling, I have to wonder why  I fell in love with this country to begin with. While I can tolerate ignorance regarding ethnicity and nationality, I can not tolerate rudeness. Some might say that it's Korean culture or that culture is relative to where you are in the world. I say there must be a barometer on kindness to people outside of your immediate circle. For starters, instead of looking at me or others as if I sexually assaulted your back because you decided it was the best time to watch Gangnam Style on your cell phone, you should say your apologies.

I genuinely like that Seoul Metro Transit is displaying proper subway etiquette on the subway station monitors. Hopefully it trickles down to other aspect of social life.