Oh...so...I'm not black?

"Why don't you talk like a black dude? You sound like a white guy. I think you can teach me better English...hehe." Oh, I'm gonna teach you some English all right. Let's try a few expressions, like "bend that ass over", "get that hump out your back" or my personal favorite "bring that ass back" Or better yet I could talk to you like Wesley Pipes (he has some funny quotes) during casual conversation. Should I be rapping Gucci Mane lyrics while we're having mediocre sex? Oh, you need a shirt to sleep in? I have an assortment of Tall Tees from 2005 that you can wear.
  I use to swim in the pool of Korean girls that dated black men exclusively. To be exact, it is a kiddy pool that only comes up to your ankles.  It seemed that every black dude was trying to get their size 13 wearing feet into that pool. Keeping with the pool analogy, these Korean women seemed to have only dipped their toes into black American culture. Unless you hate your ethnicity, there is nothing wrong with exclusively dating another ethnicity. If one chooses to venture down that path, do us a favor and research said ethnicity's culture.
  If one more Korean girl (Korean nationals not gyopos) questions my blackness, I'm going to enroll her into a black studies class. You know, so that she can at least get the jest of my culture.  No offense to my military brethren but some of ya'll are fucking up by giving these women one aspect of black culture. If I see one more Korean girl with the caption "my niggaz" every black dude in the military is gonna line up for a punch in the testicles. The exception being my man Levye.

   If another So Young tells me that I'm not black enough, she won't be getting a conversation nor will she be getting hard dick and bubblegum. If another Jin Hee asks me why I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers she won't be getting any Blood Sugar Sex or Magic. After all almost every genre of music has been influenced by or originated from black music. I should put it into the blogosphere, hate me if you must but some of my brothers, no matter their ethnicity are young and immature. So to put it as Jay-Z once did about Soldier Boy Tell Em, you can't expect a young dude to be a certain way because he lacks life experiences.
  So to help out all the would be black male dating Korean girls, I'm gonna do you a favor. Here are a few things that will get you on the way to understanding black American culture:

1. Trans Atlantic slave trade.
2. Harriet Tubman
3. Chicken
4. Malcolm x and Martin Luther King Jr. and Marcus Garvey and W.E.B.Dubois and Booker T.Washington
5. Black Panthers/SNCC
6. Civil Rights Movement
7. Brown vs. Board
8. Chicken/black music
9. Modern discrimination
10. Phat asses

I leave you with this: The Negro National Anthem

My Korean Dating experience

  In a perfect world my future wife would fuck me when I wanted and make all matter of chicken dishes. She would remove my ingrown hair from any orifice of my body with delight.  My wife would also know every NBA team along with their players and coaches. Mrs. Robinson would also be skilled at debating logically about politics, history and which porn star has the fattest ass. She would know when to shut the fuck up and know how to convey her feelings in a tactful manner. Yeah, I almost forgot, she would fuck me when I wanted. Wait, I already mentioned that, huh?
  But we don't live in a perfect world. Hell, I'm not sure if a semblance of my aforementioned future wife will ever exist in my generation.  My generation is a bit confused about gender roles and are making them up as we go.  Our grandparents marked the end of  an age when a woman's sole duty was to take care of the household while the man worked.  Our parents were the first generation that had to deal with the changing gender roles. A friend of my dad's once said "my wife better have her ass back home by one a.m.cuz a woman ain't got no business in the streets at all times of night." Initially, I thought he was concerned for her safety but his follow up comment, "that's what men do" and "she can only be up to one thing" made things clear.  Then I thought well, hell, all of you guys (my dad's friends) are out all times of night with one another and ya'll ain't doing shit so what makes you think differently of her.

What's in a name?

  Being from the hood, I've encountered some weird names. Some were nick names and some were actual names.  I knew this kid whose nick name was "Blue" because he was so dark skinned he looked blue. By day he was a walking, talking shadow and by night he was God with a southern accent. A kid that I graduated high school with, who now goes by "OG" Bobby Johnson, was aptly named Dead Eye Bobby. Of course, he had a noticeable lazy eye, but no one called him that to his face. I sure as hell wouldn't! Although I would agree that vocalizing Dead Eye Bobby is comical. Go ahead, try it!
  A girl my mom knew (wait relating to anybody my mom's age as a girl is kinda repulsive) named her child, Marijuana Tequila. That dear Minions, is a true story.  The names that I have come across in Korea have been interesting to say the least.  I met a dude on the back streets of Yanjae who went by the name of Appleseed.  Appleseed is hardly a nick name but more like a twitter handle. The name was kinda befitting because he looked like Johnny Appleseed. Imagine a frontiersman juxtaposed against the neon lights of Seoul.  Weird. The other day a chick told me her name was cow. Hearing a woman introduce herself as cow made me a little, well a whole lot of uneasy.  Once a friend of mine introduced herself as taint aka perineum the entire night.
  When someone introduces themselves or when you see a name written certain ideas are attributed to that person.  Sometimes certain presumptions can be made by looking at a persons name. For example, one can presume the person in question belongs to a specific ethnic group. If your name is Reginald, Tyrone or Precious you are probably Black American. But if you live in England, Reginald is an old white dude.  If your last name is Garcia in America you are more likely to be associated with Latinos than you are to be associated with a white European from Spain. One would be far less likely to associate someone with the name Garcia with one of Phillipino descent.
  All of these names have different truths about them. Yet, humanity tends to relate them to what is true on a mass scale.  This line of reasoning is helpful because with so much information happening around us life becomes a bit easier when we can place things into a category. Names speak volumes and at times go ahead of you before you are physically in the conversation. Sometimes they let people know who the fuck you are. If you are a person of color, black, latino or asian, your name can be beneficial in corporate america i.e. affirmative action. Granted, you must have a name that is easily pronounceable. If your name is Carmaletha, Shaquita or Devian (pronounced Deviun with a faux French accent..lol) you probably won't see the light of day on Wall Street because these names are filled with things one does not want to be associated with.  Poverty, uneducated, criminals and my favorite "lazy sons of bitches". Imagine the hard work Carmaletha put in to be considered as a candidate for the position only to be dismissed because of her name. I'm sure this happens less often.





P.S. If one more person tells me that stupid joke about the girl named La-a in which the dash is pronounced I'm going to rip your fucking heart out.

The Neighbors know my name

 

I don't know if it was me yelling every syllable in the phrase "what's-my-mo-tha-fuc-kin-name?!" or AK 47 answering.  But apparently we are too loud when ahem making love. We were loud enough to get a letter from AK's Canadian neighbor.  The interesting thing is that I've gotten a letter from my neighbors before in Korean.  My, then Korean girl friend was embarrassed because they literally told us to get a room. How the fuck are you gonna tell me I can't fuck my (ex) girlfriend in my own house? Yet this time I felt some kind of way. I wasn't embarrassed for being heard having sex, I was ashamed because I normally like to be considerate of other people’s feelings. Then I remembered meeting her boyfriend on the elevator.

  AK 47 and I met her live in boyfriend on the elevator. Although I've known of his existence since November I've recently met the guy a month ago.  Somehow he knew my name and I promptly asked "yo, man...um...ahem...do you hear anything?" He replied with an honest "no, not at all."  So AK 47 and I continued on with our wild monkey love.  Not that my dear readers wanna know this but AK and I have been having a lot of make-up sex....so yeah we can be a little loud and unruly(I didn't know I hate you could be filled with such ecstasy!).  Then last Saturday we got a note.  The note went like this and remember as a guy I'm summarizing it because it was too detailed:

1. We have to turn up my music at uncomfortable levels.

2. We have to eat dinner with earplugs in.

3. You guys we're having sex at 6:30 in the morning which woke us up twice.

  The first two complaints were obviously from the woman.  The third one is more than likely the boyfriend’s only complaint. This made me think, men and women see the act of sex differently. For example, whenever I've lived next to a single guy they never complain about sex noises. In fact they comment about it the next time they see you. That's the way guys operate. Imagine this: Who would be more offended by sex in public guys or women? We have to take into consideration religious affiliation but nobody follows their religion entirely. Women are always the one to be offended. Who is more likely to rush and put on their clothes when somebody walks in on them having sex? Well, if you're cheating that's a different story completely.  There is possibly something within the female psyche that detests the sound of love making and/or sex in nontraditional places. (Please give me your theories, no seriously I wanna know!)

  But let us return to the boyfriend. I've noticed that men don't normally complain unless said love making hinders their ability to sleep or shit. Because honestly we can piss anywhere. This could explain why most people have sex in the mens bathroom.  I've been in the bathroom while people were having sex and every guy that entered was like "Good for him!"  I've also have had friend who needed to wake up early the next day and will confront you like "hurry that shit up!" Look, I value the girlfriend’s complaints but in my horny opinion when people have sex you are bound to hear it but you shouldn't hear it when you are trying to get a project done or when trying to get sleep.

  AK 47 and I have a theory of how the whole ordeal went down.  The chick probably wanted to write the letter a long time ago but the boyfriend was like come on chill.  It's sex get over it. Then when we woke his ass up at 6:30 twice on a Saturday morning he was probably like "babe right that fucking letter!"

The Case of the Infamous N!gger Part 3:Korea

  I use to think Korean people were walking around saying the word nigga freely.  The only reason I didn't jump to conclusions was because the word black in  Romantic languages (not to be confused with romantic love) sounds like the derogate word nigger. Thus, I would look like an idiot if they were merely saying the word black in Korean.  A few years ago I was on a train to Seoul from Pyeongtaek and two older ladies were throwing the word through the air like The Last Poets. I nearly lost my shit!  Luckily my boy JC (not Jesus Christ) spoke Korean and explained with hysterical laughter what they were saying.  The Korean words for "I" and "me" sounds vaguely like nigga.
  There is a word that does exist in Korean that doesn't exactly mean nigger. The word Com Dunni (meaning black skinned person in a negative connotation) was first used by Korean royalty to describe a feudal workers complexion or skin pigmentation. Globalization has allowed the word to encompass any dark skinned person. Com Dunni is used for people of African descent in Korea and in the U.S. because we are generally the darkest people.
  Once I was called Com Dunni by a student and again I almost went ape shit (probably shouldn't refer to myself going ape shit).  My boss destroyed the student and sent him back to my classroom in uncontrollable tears. In fact he didn't come to school for the entire week.  When he returned to class he was my best student!  An old man called me com dunni when I didn't know what the word meant.  I remember people being appalled and embarrassed.
  One night in Hongdae a drunk guy called me a nigger in Korean because he thought I couldn't understand him.  There was some kind of fury in my eyes and his friend being sober realized I could understand his friend. He quickly said I'm sorry in Korean and rushed his friend ahead of us.  I wanted to beat him and at the same time I hated that I allowed a word to have power over me. Luckily, for him my boy John Lieu talked me out of being deported.
  Korean Americans pose a different set of problems when they used the word nigger in any form because they know the history of the word. Being a Person of Color they also have been treated like niggers.  Personally, I would rather people who are not of African descent to not use the word.  A Korean American got into an altercation and used the word nigga as a black dude would have.  Once the guy realized the power of the word he begin to taunt my boy with it.  At one point I had my boy restrained but at the first usage of the word nigga even I was about to beat his ass. Nigger is still a powerful word....

 

Help at your own risk...

  The very first thing I learned when I arrived in Korea four years ago was...never help a Korean woman when she is getting beat the fuck up.  Well, at least help at your own risk.  I remember hearing an argument between a Korean man and a Korean woman. Me being a nosy Negro from the hood went to the window and almost on cue the dude slapped the life outta her.  Instinctively, I wanted to help but someone beat me to the rescue. Thank the God I don't believe in because Jesus Christ! The man and the woman both attacked the hero.

   Once when I was train riding to Itaewon (not paying the fare) I witnessed a man kicking his wife on the low (inconspicuously...as if you could kick someone this way) and murmuring curse words.  He had a son and she looked to be pregnant (I guess the cycle will continue).  The image always stayed with me because I never said anything to the man.  I missed an opportunity to help someone being battered and instead of defusing the situation I sat rebuking his action idly.  Still part of me wonders what happens to the women when an outside source intervenes.  Does the husband or boyfriend go bizerk because when the commotion is done she still has to go home with him?

   One time a friend of mine tried to help a woman because her boyfriend kicked her in the stomach. Guess who side she took when my friend confronted the boyfriend.  Let’s say the only reason my friend wasn't in jail for kicking that dudes ass was because the owner of the bar saw the entire altercation.  My ex girl friend saw a man beating up a woman in Itaewon and nobody stopped to help.  Nobody! I’m sure if the man was a Foreigner a Korean man would have helped out.  The only reason the dude stopped was because he realized that he was stomping her ass out in public.  I told her that the word may be out to refuse help to Korean woman being battered in public. What a fucking shame! There should be no excuse for helping someone unless you live in America.

Women sleep with beast.

  Every once in a while I like to wrestle with my girlfriend AK 47 just to stroke my ego and to let her know that if I wanted to I could snap her fucking neck. Granted, there are laws in place to keep me from doing that nor would I ever intentionally snap her fucking neck. That being said I would put her in a full Nelson. Then it made me think. Women are undoubtedly at a physical disadvantage. 

  For women this may be a nightmare that is all too familiar for them. For some women the thought of being attacked by a man has often hindered their willingness to participate in routines oblivious to men. Walking home at night can be a terrifying ordeal.  As a member of the dominate species I have often wondered why women simply don't just travel alone more often. I was totally unaware of the hazards women face.

  This is beginning to sound more like Beyonce's video "If I Were a Boy". But if I were a girl, I WOULD BE DERANGED. I'm not really talking about all the creeps coming up to you asking for your number. I would be horrified at the idea of being over powered with brute force. Well maybe not in the bedroom...what...should I say no homo? 

  According to a study back in 2002 by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crimes, the U.S. has the highest number of rapes. While we may be falling behind in education we sure do know how to be number one raping bitches. The statistic suggests a few things about U.S. It is probably one of the few countries where women feel strong enough to pursue the aggressor. And yet it isn't one of those countries because some communities in the U.S. and throughout the world view women as anything other than victim. If the U.S. is ranked number one in rape then imagine the cases that remain unreported.

  An ex girlfriend of mine once told me that in Korea if a girl is raped she can sometimes be disowned by her family.  The family will ask what the woman did to be raped but most likely not. Rape is a transgression that should never be forgiven...never. Especially if one can prove that she was raped. Rape can sometimes alter lives and change the course of one’s trajectory making it hard to trust and cope psychologically. Still I'm only speaking empathetically. For I have never been raped and probably never will. Unless of course, it's role playing with my girlfriend AK 47.

  Speaking of which AK 47 brought something to my attention that I have always known but wasn't consciously aware of it.  Men keep other men in check as it relates to physical altercations.  Men and only men are deterrents. Men, the law and social evolution are the only thing keeping us from raping bitches. In reality social evolution and men are in fact the only reason men don't go on a rampage.  A law can be etched in stone but stone can be broken. And in countries where the law is not upheld women live in fear. Unless you're taking back the power of the pussy!