Pipe em down

  I think his name was Jake, although I'm not sure. I could be coming off a tad bit racist by giving him a supposed white name. I would be a little offended if someone were to call me a stereotypical black name like Tyrone, Jamal or the all encompassing Reggie. Nonetheless, I think that's what he told me to call him. I don't know what I expected him to be. Being perfectly frank, I thought he would be the king of all that sucks ass during Ole 55's Wednesday open mic night.

 "Hey, Jake! You wanna play something?"

"My god," I thought. "Mr. Peppermint's love child with Joaquin Phoenix lives in Busan, South Korea?" Jake turned around with a beer in one hand and a fucking bagpipe in the other. I had had enough of performers playing weird instruments. Earlier in the night, a guy was playing the banjo. I had never seen a real person play the banjo and I was about to witness a man playing the fucking bagpipes. I thought the bagpipes were a thing of lore, prescribed to leprechauns and Scottish blokes. I couldn't leave the bar because this was going to be a night that ended with pure comedy and I wanted in.
  There were a splattering of women in the bar but it was clearly hot, sweaty and cock to cock.  He appeared on stage with his shirt opened exposing a wicked sweet tattoo. He wore some obnoxiously high cut off pants. Although, I saw him a few weeks later at a bar in what looked to be his underwear. He tilted his sand speckled hat right above the only other visible part of his face, his eyes. Then he began to play.
  I really wanted to laugh at Jake who looked like a mixture of Jay and Silent Bob. I silently wanted to see him fail. Silently because as a comedian, I know how hard it is to get up on stage and perform for assholes. I would have loved to live vicariously through a douche bag yelling "Is this taint really playing the bagpipes?" I didn't want to like anything new nor did I want to appreciate a young Gandalf The Grey playing great music via bagpipes. He truly made me eat my shit. Two milky handfuls of my own shit. Contrarily, I appreciated it too.
  What I had not equated to the equation was the amount of chicks he had rocking to his rendition of Scotland the Brave. Dave Chappelle (click the link) had one thing wrong. White people not only go crazy over the guitar but apparently the bagpipes as well. Suddenly the sweet scent of pussy was everywhere! This man had single handedly gotten himself sexed and other guys as well. His tattoo swelled every time he blew a note. His sweat drained off him like a fat man having sex.  Hell, Jake played like a man fucking his instrument. And when he was done, we all reached a musical climax with him.
  The beauty of Jake is the beauty of being a foreigner in Korea. We are the truly eclectic part from the West. We are the weird, the crazed, the derelicts and sometimes the irreligious. At least thats what some may think of us for living in a land unlike our own. But above all else we are the brave. Not because we left whatever city or province we come from but because we are unafraid to share our experiences or our talent with others. Though I have never spoken to him after that night at Ole 55, I want to thank you Jake for reminding me why we are epic.

Embrace that ass

not the ass I'm talking about

  I have a confession to make. I'm in love with big legged women. At present, I'm dating a big legged Asian woman. I'm aware that this may indeed sound like an oxymoron. If I was at liberty to show you pictures you would undoubtedly agree. If you follow my blog as a regular or from a afar you know that I'm black American. In which case my opening monologue will be but a mere stereotype that is probably true.  
  I can not tell you where the black man's lust for big legged women originated. I can only tell you that this lust has evaded both socioeconomic and generational gaps within the black community. In fact, it is the glue that holds the black community together. Well, the last statement may definitely be untrue. 
  I will not try to to come up with a cleaver transition into my declaration. Such carnal statements just need to be said. Korean women SHOW DAT ASS. Just in case the Korean government is reading this, I do not mean this in a literal sense. Unless, of course, my Korean sisters feel that they should. What I mean is these days, I’m beginning to see more Korean women with nice butts. Not in a video vixen, pawg kinda way but in a “I see you girl” kinda way.
  Personally, Korean women with round booties need to embrace them. Korean girls with thick thighs should embrace them as well. It’s becoming a little old seeing women wear baggy clothes or sweaters in the summer. Who the hell are you fooling. As a guy that unabashedly gets through life by looking, (sometimes following that ass for blocks), I appreciate a nice figure. The last sentence sounded a bit stalkerish. My point is that my Korean sisters should be proud of that phat ass.
  Case in point: I have a co worker at my job that wears long shirts and sweaters in the blistering fucking heat. One day she decided to wear a skirt and a short sleeved shirt. I was like “Damn (insert name here) that ass is nice.” Of course I didn’t relay my delight to her but maybe she could see me glancing at it. Which is probably the reason she went immediately back to wearing Eskimo gear. We live on the fucking beach though!

  At any rate, like with any movement it must start from within that particular culture. No matter how fond I am of dat ass, as a man, I’m just that, a man.  Women or any group that faces inequality do not need someone from the dominate group to tell them how they should advance the culture. What the dominate group must do is understand and help when it is wanted. But damn Korean sisters, I sure do wish you would put those sweaters away in the summer.

  

Be kind, get in line

  I've noticed a few things when I leave this place to visit my country or another. That Korea is kinda rude. While being gawked over or pointed at can be a bit disheartening, it doesn't qualify in the rudeness category. I can imagine what indigenous people might have thought upon seeing foreigners. In their respective languages it might sound similar to "What the fuck is that?" Some would argue that as a developed nation, Korea should have some semblance of decency and not be astonished when seeing a non white foreigner. I agree with this annoyance but I chalk it up to Korea being a new player on social awareness on a global scale.

  What I find hard to tolerate is rudeness in daily social interactions. I can not tolerate clearly being next in line to pay for my items and the clerk taking a person's money and items ahead of me. I can not tolerate having the elevator door opening up to a person that will not let me get off first. Oh! The look you get when they walk into you! As if wanting to get off the elevator is a serious infraction on the quality of life. I can not tolerate someone closing my foot up in the elevator because I took a nano second to long getting off. I consider myself lucky that the elevator doors are not made of sharp, metal blades or I would have no feet to put my Air Jordan's into.

  In keeping with the thread of impatience I can not tolerate people not letting other people get off the subway before bursting into the subway car. That's just regotdamndiculous! I can not tolerate someone abruptly stopping to text instead of moving to the side. Again, looking at me as if I deliberately tried to ram my dick into their back. Aside from all that I really hate the grocery store etiquette. I always have to ask myself "did this person move my basket without at least saying excuse me?" Or "did you really just ram your basket into me? I'm tall and black, you can't miss me!" I'm the black spot in a homogeneous society...how can you not see me in a well lit grocery store?

  I've visited a few countries now, and the locals were polite. Even in some of the poorest countries, even the Asian countries that some Korean nationals degrade, got it right in the politeness department. No one did any of the aforementioned complaints. When I return to Korea from traveling, I have to wonder why  I fell in love with this country to begin with. While I can tolerate ignorance regarding ethnicity and nationality, I can not tolerate rudeness. Some might say that it's Korean culture or that culture is relative to where you are in the world. I say there must be a barometer on kindness to people outside of your immediate circle. For starters, instead of looking at me or others as if I sexually assaulted your back because you decided it was the best time to watch Gangnam Style on your cell phone, you should say your apologies.

I genuinely like that Seoul Metro Transit is displaying proper subway etiquette on the subway station monitors. Hopefully it trickles down to other aspect of social life.

I Don't Give A FUCK!!!!

  Last Saturday night I was sitting in a bar that was far too loud and unruly to request my signature double shot of Jack Daniels on the rocks. I found myself sitting at a crammed table with a friend and seven other people I didn't know. My unfamiliarity with the group, coupled with music that was dope six years ago, made the sea between us the Pacific.  Somebody needed to throw me a life jacket by starting a conversation.

  This kid seated to my right yelled something in my ear. I couldn't hear him. His inaudible loudness simply made me want to slap the shit outta him. But I didn't because people still are inclined to judge a book by its cover. When my ears recovered, he repeated and said that he and his two other buddies were gay. His buddy objected from across the table and over the music. With a dumb ass look on my face, I replied,O...K. He returned with "is that OK?".

  I thought to myself, since when do people break the ice by asking if one's sexual orientation is OK with me. That is like asking if it is cool that I'm black once I've already entered your presence. Dude, of course it is fine because it is who you are. It's not like I can stop being a black person. "Oh, so it's not cool that I'm black? Well, I have a switch on my back, so feel free to turn it off." In keeping with the meme, Not A Single fuck Was Given.
 
  Dear Guy sitting next to me in that loud ass bar,
Don't make any attempt to defiend who you are. Thank you and you're welcome!
The Council
 
 

Girl in Elevator

Imagine being in the last car with a woman. You look at her in passing and think, "Damn, look at those titties!" or "I hope she doesn't get off at the same stop as me." Then she does. It doesn't help that it's night. The thought in passing becomes a real concern when the lone woman on the subway car takes your exact exit. You try to assure yourself that she is going in a different direction but you quickly realize she isn't.
Part of you wants to speed by her so that she knows you're not trying to follow her. Yet, if you try this maneuver you run the risk of her pepper spraying your ass. Because walking briskly can be seen as a sign of aggression under the cover of night. If you stay behind her you still look suspicious. So you pray to a god that you don't believe in that she doesn't live in your building...
Wrong again because she does live in your building! She noticed you from the subway ride and by now is giving you the kind of face that says "fuck with me if you wanna see me on my cycle times ten!" You forsake being a gentlemen by getting on first to give her the subtle social cue that you are not following her nor do you give a fuck about chivalry. But by this point, no matter what you do in her mind you are following her! What are the odds?!
You hit the button for the floor you live on saying under your breathe "bitch better not live on my floor!" You wonder if you said bitch aloud or in your mind. Your relief turns to dread when you realize that she is getting off the elevator before you and the pepper spray is ready. You know, just in case you wanna see her on her cycle times ten.
On a walk home from the subway you've lusted after her breast, been afraid of her and was so angry that you called her a bitch! I understand why women are cautious but I wish the world was different.
Man problems....contrary to popular belief they're bigger than "not getting pussy."

The Number

"She said she's only fuck bout four or five niggas, so you know you gotta multiply by three." - J.Cole

Generally speaking, men are obsessed with numbers. Horse power, salary and the size of our dicks. Maybe porn has something to do with the latter bit. I'd like to think it's out of evolutionary necessity. The most important numbers as it relates to romantic relationships are her numbers.
The topic came up recently at a guys only meeting. The kind where we discuss man business at a bar or man cave. Although with the advent of smart phones guys only meetings increasingly occur in group chats. (shout out to the Wolf Pack!) Most of the guys in the chat had a problem if her numbers were too high.
The answers varied from her being a reflection of her partner to the male ego and even out right chauvinism. A few made valid points about contracting an STD. STDs aside, though they can't be taking lightly, men need their phallus shaped egos stroked. Even the most liberal among us men need our ego rubbed and tugged by a nice soft hand ever so often.
Humans, want to believe that only one person can satisfy our emotional needs. To a greater extent we want to believe only one person for our entire adult lives can satisfy our sexual urges. So in turn if her number is too "high" men, generally speaking, may be deterred. He may even label her a hoe for seeking sexual satisfaction with multiple men.
Thing is we are all highly sexual beings! Hell, while writing this blog I've masturbated twice! To think that we were made to be with only one person our entire lives is against human nature. I'm not talking about polygamy but polyamory. Sorry, that is a blog for another day.
To be clear, men, western culture is no longer a culture in which women live in sexual conservatism but of sexual liberation. That dick may be good but others have made her toes curl as well And vice versa. Be mindful of STD's but also know that the world our parents once lived in is now a brave new world.
I hoped you picked up on the double entendre in the aforementioned sentence...yeah, just stroking my ego.

Cock Sucker as an insult

   According to Louis C.K. a majority of earth's population are cock suckers. It's a fair assessment. This may be an over generalization but lots of women suck cocks, men in prison, as well as homosexual and bisexual men. I don't know about you but if someone is threatening my life and I had to suck a cock to live then well you know...I would suck a cock. Then again he might kill me anyway because I'd be terrible at it.
   Recently, I decided to downsize my insults. Pussy had to go because pussy is awesome. It gives birth and pussy relieves stress so that men don't go postal on the world. I can see no reason to waste such a wonderful word on an idiot. Mother Fucker can stay though. Hey, no one wants to fuck their mom. Cock sucker, while I loved it -and/or them- is a word that denotes abhorrent behavior. Or should I say supposed abhorrent behavior. To a homophobic man, any insult that relates to femininity, is akin to his best friend fucking his mom before his very eyes.
   Calling a man a cock sucker is an attack on femininity. First it is an attack on ones masculinity but more importantly, the attack implies that women are weak. No one would argue that as it relates to physical strength men are the dominate of the two sexes. Even during sexual intercourse it can be argued that men dominate in that arena as well. Although, if you get to dominant - minute men - you could find yourself without a sexual partner (meet your partner's needs). The bigger question is, what constitutes feminine and masculine behavior? The last time I checked we don't live in a culture where brute strength is required but rather intellect. At any rate, from this day forward I shall not call another person a cock sucker because of it's negative connotations. Well, I take that back. I will call a young lady a cock sucker during sex as a term of endearment. What? It's cool, she can call me a carpet muncher.

I leave you with the comedian Louis C.K.