This is certainly a blog post attacking ma fuckas that cough on me. Only in the twilight zone is it perfectly acceptable to cough on another human being. One would think that with all the scientific advancements made in the last century, fuck that daily, people would do his fellow human being the courtesy of covering his/her mouth. Somehow this common courtesy has alluded the great nationals of the Republic of Korea.
I write this post while sick in a coffee shop. As a "social experiment" I am deliberately spewing my virus into the open air. My hypothesis being, if I cough without covering my mouth then no one will give a flying fuck. As I release my spores no one gives a flying fuck. Actually, the people here seem to be joining me, creating a kind of influenza orgy. You sick fucks! Why haven't any of you reprimanded my blatant offense. That's right I live in the twilight zone.
My sentiments exactly
If you ever wonder why you're a walking petri dish year round just remember the countless times you've been sneezed on by your students. When I am sneezed on by my students, I lose my shit for the entire day. There is nothing anyone can say to convince me that my student didn't do that shit because he hates me. They always have a sick smile on their face after sneezing in mine. I don't know which is worse being sneezed on or being pissed on. Both of which has happened to me.
So I have a solution of the grandest kind. The next time a person sneezes on you, kindly wipe away the mucus, look them in their face with an understanding smile and then explain why you're going to slap them with the strength of a thousand pimps. I like to call it "sneeze n slap". It has to be a slap and not a punch because people can't believe a ma fucka would have the audacity slap them. Besides the point is to promote awareness not an altercation (O.o). I have played this out in my mind a million times and every time I've reached an orgasm. My dear South Korean brothers and sisters please cover your mouths when you sneeze, cough, inhale and exhale. I just might slap fire from you!
Over the past few years, I've had a steady dosage of being punched in the nuts. It's a wonder that my testicles are not completely mangled by now. The last time I checked (in the shower this morning) one still hung lower than the other. In my adolescent years I was convinced that something was wrong with me until the sex ed teacher told us that its normal for one nut to hang a little low.
I must make a confession. I haven't been very good to my identical twins. They have taken repeated beat downs over the past few years. I say to them, during masturbation (or sex...well not during sex they get kinda neglected except on my birthday) "just one more year and we will stop teaching kindergarten." And every year they stick or hang rather, with me. I don't know why they do BUT maybe it has something to do with them being attached.
Someday I wanna have children of my own. The key word here is someday. Then I think about my own kids punching me in the nuts on accident or on purpose. The thought of that causes my testicles to shrivel up to the point where it looks like I have a giant clitoris. My students seem to have heat syncing accuracy when it comes to my balls. It is my belief that they take great pleasure in seeing me double over in pain. The pain seems to take over my torso and paralyzes me leaving only my vocal chords yelling incoherent curses upon their parents.
So today will be the last day that I shall endure my testicles being a speed bag for five year olds training to become the next boxing champion of the world. I haven't been punched today but for old time sake, I will double over pain knowing it will be the last time. Well, until I have my own kids. FUCK! UPDATE: So I didn't get punched in the nuts but my penis was punched a few times. I hope this doesn't sound perverted.
All I heard in Korean were the words: only, black and good. In this sequence, the words appear to be in my favor in a kind of reverse racial preference. Hell, I'm the last person people want to hire. In Korea I'm near the bottom of the racial hierarchy with only ethnic Koreans from other countries and people blacker than my black ass below me. Even though I didn't understand the entire sentence, my suspicions were confirmed by the beet red uneasiness on the translator's face.
So to give her an out and to relieve some of the redness from her face I translated what was said. "Oh, so he said...I'm the first black person he has ever hired so let's make this a good experience." The translator sunk lower into her seat and nervously laughed in true Korean national fashion (when shit gets uncomfortable). Two things went on in my mind. What did he mean by his statement? Should I have taken it for face value or should I keep it real with this mutha fucka and tell him to judge me as a person and not what you've been told about me. I mean hell if I went on what I saw in the media about Korean proprietors in black and latino neighborhoods...wait scratch that. If I went on what I saw from Korean store owners in my neighborhood, I would hate all you mutha fuckas. Until I came to Korea and realized, oh shit, they aren't just racist but following you around until you buy something is actually part of the social fabric.
So did you decide?
Almost every day I want Korean nationals to "see dese rocks." The stares, the snickers, the blatant disregard when I speak to them in Korean. I now know how Mexicans immigrants feel minus almost being denied basic necessities like running water or a working toilet. But that is only a minor difference or big, depending on one's perspective. Oh the sarcasm! I would love to keep it real when a Korean person looks at my fine ass Korean Canadian girlfriend and wonder what the hell is she doing with my black ass. Actually, I'm wondering the same thing but that is beside the point.
The point if there ever was one is this: I just really wanted to cock back my rocks (Rocks being my testicles or fists you decide) and smash his face. But for what? So that I can get deported, when all I have to do is show him through my actions that I am first a human being and not some "over sensitive" black person. Now see those rocks!
I believe that marriage isn't between man and woman but between love and love - "We all try" Frank Ocean
Roughly two weeks ago, New York had it's first "legal" same - sex marriage ceremony. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder how it could have come to this? Who the fuck decided that heterosexual love is the only love worthy of marriage? Was it god or people who dictated that homosexual love was evil or unnecessary primarily because such unions produced no offspring? I contend that it was people and not god that has made it nearly impossible for gays and lesbians to be open about their sexual orientation.
Had I been born in a different era or location, my views on homosexuality could possibly be extremely different than they are currently. While I can certainly understand the logic behind why our ancestors strictly prohibited masturbation and homosexuality, that doesn't mean they were correct in their assessment. It simply means that fashion was obviously a none issue during that period (Sorry for the gay stereotype)! I would like to just call them fucking idiots.
Besides, what do you care? Personally, I find it flattering when a homosexual man finds me attractive. I don't need to prove my masculinity by using the phrase "no homo" as a goddamn punctuation mark. Currently, I'm sitting in a restaurant and the king of no homo, Lil Wayne, is playing on the radio. Wow, abrahamic religions created a world where expressing one's sexual preference is an absolute negative. Or god rather. Seems to me the only people that seem to care are those people that are wildly religious. I mean, come on! Why do you seek to ban same sex marriage? Because it's evil, huh? Well, can you and I have used our energies to stop the genocides in Rwanda or Sri Lanka? Oh ok those ambitions are too lofty? Let's start by providing American people with proper health care! Yaahooo! No, still nothing, huh? I think the real question is not why you seek to eradicate homosexual love but which part of your respective religious text should we adhere to? Which part is allegory and which is literal?
One thing that is perfectly clear is that god doesn't like homosexuality. In fact it is an abomination! God makes it seem as if homosexuality is not in the realm of redeemable sin. Damn is there a special place in hell for all fornicating homosexuals? Oh shit! They will go to hell with the same fuck holes that used god to justify slavery!YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I leave you with Keith Olbermann, who like me is not gay but agrees with same sex marriage.
"You're asked to stand on the question of love!" - Keith Olermann
There are millions of forbidden fruit walking about Seoul. You can see them walking up stairs, riding escalators and my favorite, getting into taxis. They are literally everywhere! These forbidden fruit are like ornaments decorating the city. They are always so neatly protected while being shipped via subway to their various destinations. When the fruit arrives at Samsung, Hyundai or (insert company here) they are admired from afar. If you're chosen, you can relish in its sweet nectar. Oh, how we love thee Forbidden Fruit! Let me count the ways. Vagina, pussy and coochie to name a few.
But if one more fucking boyfriend, newspaper, purse or over night bag blocks the fruit, I'm gonna...well er..uh..I'm not really sure what I might do. In my nightmare, I've always walked up to a gorgeous young woman and said, "I'm not one to complain but you do realize that your vagina is showing? Oh you do? So let me get this straight, you want me to pretend I don't see it and if I continue to look then I'm a fucking perv? Why you gotta slap me for?!" And then I wake up.
Korean ladies, if you don't want men/lesbians/people to look at your vagina then don't bare your fruit. Simply as that! Besides no one is thinking about how intelligent you are or how clever you may be. No one gives a shit about your PETA membership, your environmentally friendly Macbook or your semi witty barbs, OK. All we see initially is mini skirt, vagina and your panties that look like a hybrid between granny panties and mormon magic underwear. Why must you wear an outfit that from the waste up makes you look Muslim/office worker and from the waste down you look like easy access? I'm not advocating violating women physically but I am advocating looking at that fruit until your heart is content. I'd like to believe that women like to accentuate their physical beauty. For Korean women it might be legs but for Western women it might be breast or both. How many times have you heard a woman say "men don't see me, they see my breast." Still we must not overlook our initial form of attraction which has been with us since the beginning. And that my friends would be physical attraction. There is no argument! It is what it is. The other qualities become players when a person opens his or her mouth.
There is a noted difference in the way Korean women (Korean nationals) dress in comparison to their Western counterparts. Summer, winter, rain and snow those legs are out and that vagina is always a light breeze away. For people that come to Korea for the first time, it can be confusing because at times the women dress like they are going clubbing when in fact they are just going to the store to pick up some instant noodles (wait that sounded kinda racist). You can never tell the occasion by looking at a Korean woman's attire. Whereas with Western women the attire typically matches (I could be generalizing here) the occasion. Trust, she may not look like a hoochie but she won't look like confusion either.
We should just cut the bullshit. Men and women wear/do certain things to attractive the opposite or same sex. We are no different than our cousins in the animal kingdom in this regard. Men and women dictate what the opposite or same sex finds attractive. So if it's a mini skirt during a blizzard so be it. We still must take into account that men dominate our respective cultures and what men want generally speaking, men get (which brings up questions about gender equality).
To my beloved Korean sisters, I only ask that if you are planning to have a night out on the town, take a taxi so that you don't have to go through the hassle of covering your vagina with a pocket book. And if your gonna go to work in a revealing miniskirt...yeah you might want to rethink that. Wear a skirt that almost comes to your knees. You may still be the apple of our lustful eyes but at least we can't see your Forbidden Fruit. Oh and one last thing, don't look at Western Women with the stank face if her shoulders, arms, cleavage or back is showing because if you hadn't noticed we can all see your vagina. DON'T SLAP ME!
"Why don't you talk like a black dude? You sound like a white guy. I
think you can teach me better English...hehe." Oh, I'm gonna teach you
some English all right. Let's try a few expressions, like "bend that ass
over", "get that hump out your back" or my personal favorite
"bring that ass back" Or better yet I could talk to you like Wesley Pipes (he has some funny quotes) during casual conversation. Should I be rapping Gucci Mane lyrics while
we're having mediocre sex? Oh, you need a shirt to sleep in? I have an
assortment of Tall Tees from 2005 that you can wear.
I use to swim in the pool of Korean girls that dated black men
exclusively. To be exact, it is a kiddy pool that only comes up to your
ankles. It seemed that every black dude was trying to get their size 13
wearing feet into that pool. Keeping with the pool analogy, these Korean women
seemed to have only dipped their toes into black American culture. Unless you
hate your ethnicity, there is nothing wrong with exclusively dating another
ethnicity. If one chooses to venture down that path, do us a favor and research
said ethnicity's culture.
If one more Korean girl (Korean nationals not gyopos) questions my
blackness, I'm going to enroll her into a black studies class. You know, so
that she can at least get the jest of my culture. No offense to my
military brethren but some of ya'll are fucking up by giving these women one
aspect of black culture. If I see one more Korean girl with the caption
"my niggaz" every black dude in the military is gonna line up for a
punch in the testicles. The exception being my man Levye.
If another So Young tells me that I'm not
black enough, she won't be getting a conversation nor will she be getting hard dick and bubblegum. If another Jin Hee asks me why I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers she won't be getting any Blood Sugar Sex or Magic. After all almost
every genre of music has been influenced by or originated from black music. I
should put it into the blogosphere, hate me if you must but some of my
brothers, no matter their ethnicity are young and immature. So to put it as
Jay-Z once did about Soldier Boy Tell Em, you can't expect a young dude to be a
certain way because he lacks life experiences.
So to help out all the would be black male dating Korean girls, I'm
gonna do you a favor. Here are a few things that will get you on the way to
understanding black American culture:
1. Trans Atlantic slave trade.
2. Harriet Tubman 3. Chicken
4. Malcolm x and Martin Luther King Jr. and Marcus Garvey and W.E.B.Dubois
and Booker T.Washington
5. Black Panthers/SNCC
6. Civil Rights Movement
7. Brown vs. Board
8. Chicken/black music
9. Modern discrimination
10. Phat asses
In a perfect world my future wife would fuck me when I wanted and make all matter of chicken dishes. She would remove my ingrown hair from any orifice of my body with delight. My wife would also know every NBA team along with their players and coaches. Mrs. Robinson would also be skilled at debating logically about politics, history and which porn star has the fattest ass. She would know when to shut the fuck up and know how to convey her feelings in a tactful manner. Yeah, I almost forgot, she would fuck me when I wanted. Wait, I already mentioned that, huh?
But we don't live in a perfect world. Hell, I'm not sure if a semblance of my aforementioned future wife will ever exist in my generation. My generation is a bit confused about gender roles and are making them up as we go. Our grandparents marked the end of an age when a woman's sole duty was to take care of the household while the man worked. Our parents were the first generation that had to deal with the changing gender roles. A friend of my dad's once said "my wife better have her ass back home by one a.m.cuz a woman ain't got no business in the streets at all times of night." Initially, I thought he was concerned for her safety but his follow up comment, "that's what men do" and "she can only be up to one thing" made things clear. Then I thought well, hell, all of you guys (my dad's friends) are out all times of night with one another and ya'll ain't doing shit so what makes you think differently of her.
This is certainly a blog post attacking ma fuckas that cough on me. Only in the twilight zone is it perfectly acceptable to cough on another human being. One would think that with all the scientific advancements made in the last century, fuck that daily, people would do his fellow human being the courtesy of covering his/her mouth. Somehow this common courtesy has alluded the great nationals of the Republic of Korea.
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